I am at the point of my life where I’m stuck. Stuck, sinking in a hole I dug myself.
I log into social media everyday and I get sucked into depression seeing this perfect world where people seem to be so happy with their lives. An acquaintance who gets to travel the world, a friend who’s contentedly settled down, a former classmate who’s a boss of their own company, a colleague who gets to spontaneously buy his “wants”, a neighbor who’s happily living their lives abroad, a batchmate who’s got the perfect job or even that mutual who’s proudly raising her child alone. I know some of these are just a facade and everything posted on social media are things that these people chose to post, that not every part of their lives are as happy as what they make it look but I still can’t shake the creeping jealousy off of me. I just have always been envious of people who seem to have everything figured out and know where their lives are heading.
And then there’s me who’s basically stuck. The only thing that actually makes me happy nowadays are times spent with my family and with my ever loving boyfriend. But at times where I live my usual life, I feel so heavily loaded. The thing is, I know exactly where this is coming from.
There’s this quote that goes, “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life”. That, right there, is a slap to my face because if I did chose the right job then why do I always feel eager to go home? Whenever I step into the office, I initially think of the time and either count the hours until I could get home or the days until the weekend. It sucks when you’re working just for the sake of ” being employed”. Don’t get me wrong though, I adore the IT world so much, it’s still the kind of work I want but the corporate/office life is what makes everything so.. Hard. I tried forcing myself so many times with this kind of setting but I always end up feeling miserable. The first time I tried was in a big company but after that, I had to go on a break. A break for over a year, that is.
After that hiatus, I’m trying once again and yet here I am, still feeling the same as ever.
There are quite a few factors as to why I’m feeling “stuck”. One is being an introvert, I know this is a low excuse but conversing with people and answering phone calls every day is seriously draining me. One of the reasons why I chose an IT course is because I thought all I was gonna do was speak to a computer all day (/sarcasm). Second is that I actually still haven’t found out which career in the vast world of IT I’m going for (I could go in detail for this but I will explain that in another post). Lastly and probably the most serious one is that I haven’t fully made a decision in my life alone.. like, ever. (Well expect that time I chose Gerald to be the love of my life). Cheesiness aside, every major point of my life, I had my parents to decide for me.
Just because I did not know what I want, I always thought it was easier if I let other people decide for myself. I have always been indecisive and afraid of making the wrong choice that’s why I let them dictate my life. It was only lately that I realized that at my age, I should be the one making decisions for myself. My parents are quite strict so at a young age, I have always been taught to follow their orders. If you personally know me, you would know the struggle of going out of town or staying out late because I would often need a legit reason to be allowed to do these things (and up until now, this still happens! I’m already 25 btw haha). I’m not making my parents look bad, I would forever be thankful for their strictness. I mean, because of that, I was able to resist so many temptations that this life has to offer. I don’t think I would ever regret following their orders because I know it was for my own benefit. But of course, there are decisions I have to decide myself.
Looking back 5 years, I thought I would already have my dream job and be married by now. But I guess, life doesn’t always work the way you want it to. There will always be setbacks. And let’s face it, it’s hard to make a smooth transition to a “real” adult when the world keeps telling you that you’re not one. I guess I have to stop thinking of my life like “I’m not where I’m supposed to be” and more like “I’m where I’m supposed to be right now.”